The anatomy of Guilt

So by now i'm sure you've gathered that i've been having trouble in the barren wasteland formerly known as Paradise. At this point i'm pretty sure that irreparable harm has been caused to the friendship between Her and myself. I'd like to say that the whole affair is regrettable, except I don't regret it.

I've often wondered what it is about me that members of the fairer sex initially fascinating but eventually come to revile. It's like the story of the ugly duckling in reverse, or a butterfly turning into a worm. Given my track record I can no longer discount the fact women sometimes don't know what they want (aren't we all guilty of that to some degree?). I'm all but convinced that the problem lies with me. There must be something I do (or don't do) that just turns things sour after a certain point. With some people it simply happens faster than others. I'm not being a featist either. Given my experiences, the only logical conclusion I can come to is that there's something broken about me. And this is what puzzles me. I'm no angel, but I know i'm a pretty decent guy.

Another mind boggling but sadly common observation i've made is that people seem to be 'happy' to be stuck in one abusive relationship after another. I say happy because that's the only way I can justify their behaviour. I mean, taken at face value, who in their right mind would willingly continue a bad relationship? Does pain really equal love? Sometimes I feel like the only one who can see that statement for the brand of insanity it really is. Does that mean that my crime is that of clarity? Or is my problem the fact that I make people face themselves. Truth has always been a bitter pill to swallow and that will never change. I'm no stranger to running, i've lived my whole life running to or from something. The one thing i've learned in my years of that futile endeavor is that you can never run away from yourself. So why not stop and face it? How can people make the same mistake over and over again?

Is it familiarity?
Is it because a bad relationship the only they've known so it's the only thing they look for?
Does a person who knowingly hurts your feelings and puts you down love you? Where does one draw the line?

I guess my choice in women have also been suspect. In a way i'm just as messed up. I go for people who have been in terrible relationships and try to 'fix' things. I try to show people that nice people still exist. And then I get front row, center seats for when they come up with some idiot excuse or another and go into another relationship EXACTLY like their last one. A classic case of same shit, different smell. I guess I just haven't learned my lesson as far as that's concerned. And it frustrates me.

In life, assholes get the good girls. And nice guys get nothing. I'm tired of people thinking of me only when times are bad. I don't want to be the guy they confide in or call when they have issues, and promptly forget when their boyfriends are behaving. I need someone confident. Someone who has a backbone, and the balls to admit how things are really going. No bullshit, no smokescreens, no regrets, and no guilt. Someone willing to take responsibility for their own actions.

In a way I guess She was right.
I deserve better.